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Transcript of a Talk of Self Control
Self Control is a concept that is imperative in our religion and particularly if we want to move forward in our spirituality and our self development. Islam is a way of life for a Muslim, meaning that Islam should be part of a believers Life. We should be acting on the deen every second of our life and not that we act on it momentarily.
This religion should influence our behaviours because we are muslims and we have the religion of islam to follow. These behaviours can be of two levels:
Conscious or unconscious
These are important because we lose control when we are unconscious and not tuned into of our behaviour.
Sometimes when people look at islam from the outside, it may seems like a strict religion because it has ongoing exercise of self control built into it, which is a daily struggle against temptation. But the reality is that Islam is not strict, but in order to understand this there is a concept of free will given to us by Allah سبحانه وتعالى.
This religion should influence our behaviours because we are muslims and we have the religion of islam to follow. These behaviours can be of two levels:
Concept of Freewill and Self Control
Allah سبحانه وتعالى has given to us free will. The free will is the human ability to make choices that can be determined externally. Free will is our ability to choose the way we respond to situations. We can choose to act righteously, or we can chose to act wrongfully, in other words we are responsible for our own actions. And we cannot make excuses that I cannot do this because shaitan overcame me or I was overcome by anger because Allah سبحانه وتعالى has given us the free will so that means we have a choice for our actions. We can choose between having Imaan or not having Imaan. We have a choice to obey Allah سبحانه وتعالى or to disobey Him. We have ability to choose to gain reward for our actions or get punishment for our actions.
How does one get to the stage that one uses the freewill?
There is no doubt that we have the wish to obey Allah سبحانه وتعالى and choose reward over punishment. But what is lacking in us is that we have to work on ourselves to get to that level. Because when we analyse what is that thing in us that makes us still lose our temper and perhaps scream at our children? Why did we not have good behaviour towards our husbands or have a good response towards our siblings or maybe towards our parents.
There is one determining factor for this, and that is that self-control is lacking in this developed world. Many researchers and psychologists say that so much focus and concentration has gone into developing the quality of self-esteem rather than self-control. And as a result, we have convinced ourselves and our children that self-confidence is the key to success.
One phsycologist amongst many has mentioned that self confidence is not the key to success but it does play a part, she mentions that highly self confidant people that believe in themselves are people who are successful. Whilst this belief that is widely held is untrue .For many years research has been undertaken into self esteem verses self control. The results were that self esteem does not lead to success rather self control is much more powerful and well supportive as a cause of personal successfulness.
One phsycologist amongst many has mentioned that self confidence is not the key to success but it does play a part, she mentions that highly self confidant people that believe in themselves are people who are successful. Whilst this belief that is widely held is untrue .For many years research has been undertaken into self esteem verses self control. The results were that self esteem does not lead to success rather self control is much more powerful and well supportive as a cause of personal successfulness.
Self Control and Islam
It is important to understand and learn what is self control the strategies of how to gain this.
Self control is imbedded in the deen of Islam and this is not by coincidence. This is what Allah سبحانه وتعالى wants us to strive for, and it Allah سبحانه وتعالى mentions in the verse of the Quran:
وَٱلَّذِينَ جَـٰهَدُوا۟ فِينَا لَنَهْدِيَنَّهُمْ سُبُلَنَا وَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَمَعَ ٱلْمُحْسِنِينَ
“And those whoever strive in our way, We will surely indeed take them to our paths and indeed Allah is with the gooddoers”
[Quran 29:69]
Allah سبحانه وتعالى mentions that whoever strives in His path, or in other words whoever struggles, and this struggle is that we maintain the self-control and we regulate behaviour according to the situation. Allah سبحانه وتعالى wants that when we are faced with temptation from every directions we have a choice to control our behaviour eg where we have a situation in which we have a choice of controlling our anger or not, so we should control our anger. When every situation may not be going the way we want it to be but we consider our words before speaking. We lower our gaze where it needs to be lowered.
So we can either choose the environment of sin or the environment of righteousness. And we know that the month of Ramadan is an example of exercising self-control, as we stop our food and drink from dawn to sunset and we exercise the self-control and build a resilience to please Allah سبحانه وتعالى. However we find that after Ramadan that the resilience and light that we have accumulated falls back to zero after the next day, or a week or so later and have ourselves to blame for that as we follow our desires. Allah سبحانه وتعالى mentions in the Quran :
فَٱعْلَمْ أَنَّمَا يَتَّبِعُونَ أَهْوَآءَهُمْ وَمَنْ أَضَلُّ مِمَّنِ ٱتَّبَعَ هَوَىٰهُ بِغَيْرِ هُدًى مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَا يَهْدِى ٱلْقَوْمَ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ
[They only follow their desires and who is more astray than the onewho follows his own desires without guidance from Allah….]
[Quran 28:50]
Islam wants us to follow a path of success. It defines success in our Deen is to please Allah سبحانه وتعالى, so we control ourself is because of a purpose. Success in Islam is to please Allah سبحانه وتعالى Ta’ala and not that we displease Allah سبحانه وتعالى. Success is not about pleasing other people whilst displeasing Allah سبحانه وتعالى. Whilst the core of our deen is to help others and maintain good character, however, if we please others whilst displeasing Allah سبحانه وتعالى. It doesn’t matter who invites you or encourages you to do things that are a displeasure to Allah سبحانه وتعالى. We should maintain our self-control, and our resilience should be so strong that we stand our ground because our goal is the pleasure of Allah سبحانه وتعالى and the success of the hereafter, because Muslims are not people of the world, but they are people of hereafter. This may seem difficult for us, but It is mentioned in a hadith that:
الدُّنْیَا سِجْنُ الْمُؤمِنِ وَ جَنَّةُ الْکَافِرِ
The world is the prison for the believer and the paradise for the disbeliever
Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2956
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If we do not exercise this self control the long ever lasting success will be very difficult for us to achieve. The world is short lived but success is the eternal success. Those people that aim for the hereafter success, Allah سبحانه وتعالى will not leave them.
We must understand that Islam does not ask us to live a miserable life and then wait for an eternal bliss. But Islam asks us to delay the immediate gratification or happiness that sometimes comes to giving into temptations. Why, does Allah سبحانه وتعالى want us to give this temptation for the bigger reward later on is because Allah سبحانه وتعالى mentions in the Quran:
وَأَمَّا مَنْ خَافَ مَقَامَ رَبِّهِۦ وَنَهَى ٱلنَّفْسَ عَنِ ٱلْهَوَىٰفَإِنَّ ٱلْجَنَّةَ هِىَ ٱلْمَأْوَىٰ
Asfor the one who feared standing before His Lord and he controlled his nafs from his desired (evil desire and lusts )so indeed Jannah (Heaven) will be his place of abode
[Quran 79: 40, 41]
So self control also means to is to resist short term temptation to meet our long term goals . We need to bring into ourself a cool cognitive system of behaviour rather than hot emotional system. So in another words, we do not react to situations and we give our emotions and actions a gap in between .Self control and regulating our behaviours means changing our responses based on a rule or value or ideal that we have and for muslims that value is the rule or value or way of life of Islam.
Human being have weakness that hinders their success, and that weakness is the lack of will power. If we overcome this, then we can achieve success.
This weakness is the lack of will power or its not being able to sustain a sense of purpose and losing sight of what is our goal, for example, if someone asks us to go somewhere and we know that there are things happening against shariah, but because that person has asked us a few times, we sway towards what they have asked. We must understand that we have a purpose of our life and we need to be mindful of that purpose all the time.
As believers and people of Imaan we need to know amd we do know what to do but unfortunately we lack self control that stops us from heading into the right direction. As it is explained by some, so we need to build a memory muscle and our way of life of Islam gives us many opportunities to build this strength and lots of different ways use our self control.
The newly discovered psychology and concept of self control has been in the religion of Islam and has been taught to us since the time of Hazrat Adam عليه السلام .Allah سبحانه وتعالى mentions in the Quran :
وَلَقَدْ عَهِدْنَا إِلَىٰ آدَمَ مِن قَبْلُ فَنَسِيَ وَلَمْ نَجِدْ لَهُ عَزْمًا
Indeed we have made covenant with Hazrat Adam Alahi salam and we found on his part no will power
(Quran 20:115)
In another ayah Allah سبحانه وتعالى mentions:
وَمَنْ أَرَادَ ٱلْـَٔاخِرَةَ وَسَعَىٰ لَهَا سَعْيَهَا وَهُوَ مُؤْمِنٌ فَأُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ كَانَ سَعْيُهُم مَّشْكُورًا
Whoever desires the hereafter and he exerts the effort for it while he is a believer and it is those whose efforts is appreciated (by Allah).
[Quran 17:19]
Also, we should know that even the smallest of efforts can be huge on the Day of Judgement and Appreciative by Allah سبحانه وتعالى even if they are small. It is mentioned in the Hadith
Hadith :The deed liked most by Allah is one to which the doer adheres constantly even if it is small. Sahih Muslim 782c
The key is to maintain consistency, and perform the deeds regularly even if they are little.
To attain success we will look at what is self control, and how to delay the short term gratification and how to manages the emotions and impulses and the importance of it and the self control problems we might face and some strategy and the motivation and monitoring .
What is Self control
Self control is the ability to regulate and change our responses in order to avoid unwanted and undesirable behaviour of others and we are increasing the behaviours we want to, to achieve our long term goals of the hereafter.
The people with self control are more content .The ability of self control plays an important part in our health and mental well being because there are so many people that are suffering from depression and anxiety whether young or old.
Definition of Self regulation
Self regulation means controlling our behaviour asto how we act physically and our emotions and thoughts . Emotion are formed in the heart and the they become thoughts and then our thoughts become our behaviour . So this means that we discipline ourself, and we are developing that will power and fortitude .
We learn to control our behaviours also includes controlling our behaviour to avoid temptation because our goal is Akirah. The temptation can be anything eg a diabetic avoids eating certain foods due to their condition , so they have to control their behaviour for the benefit of their health. Similarly we also need to control our behaviours as we are not allowed to look at the opposite gender and we are supposed to lower our gaze despite if there is temptation. We are not allowed to go to certain gatherings and we might want to listen to certain things with our ears so we have to avoid that temptation to achieve our long term goals .So we have to delay and resist the unwanted behaviour and urges.
Some researchers have said that self-control is genetic, and certain people are born with the self-control. However, we are people of Imaan and we know that Allah سبحانه وتعالى is our Lord and He has control over everything and if we are sincere and we repent /do tawbah over our mistakes and slips we know that He forgives and if we keep asking He gives the tawfeeq.
After understanding self control and self regulation, we must
1. Reflect and make dua as we do not say something is impossible because we are not the doer but Allah سبحانه وتعالى is the doer.
We need to note that the majority of people lose self-control is when they experience the emotion of anger. The emotion of anger is not bad in itself, but anger is not liked in our deen is when its out of control. We need anger when it relates to the disobedience of Allah سبحانه وتعالى , in which case the anger against the sin. So we must control our anger.
So we must control our anger as anger is one of the biggest things that destroys our relationships and our actions. How do we feel afterwards if our response wasn’t correct, we feel hollow! But if we have been given the tawfeeq and we have managed or experienced that we have controlled our responses, then we feel the peace in our hearts. It is mentioned in a hadith regarding a strong person where,
Abu Hurairah رضي الله عنه narrated that Allah's Messenger سبحانه وتعالى said:
“The strong man is not the good wrestler; but the strong man is he who controls himself when he is angry.”
[Sahih al-Bukhari 6114 and Muslim 2609]
So Allah سبحانه وتعالى will test us and we need to control our responses and the responses need to be measured and are to be within the boundaries that Allah سبحانه وتعالى has set.Our responses in times of happiness and tests should be in accordance to the rules set by Allah سبحانه وتعالى.
2. Developing that ability and inner strength to delay the short term pleasure we may get and wait for the long term pleasure.
To delay the pleasures that we want and to resist those unwanted behaviours. For example, if everyone is sitting in a gathering and having fun and backbiting is happening and we want to say somethingbut we know is it backbiting, and we refrain ourself from it, because backbiting is the enjoyment of the tongue and yet we delay and resist that unwanted behaviour.
People often control their behaviour when they delay their gratification and this involves putting off the short term desires, and the hereafter is our goal and it is important to implement shariah and sunnah in our daily lives and that includes the overall success in our life.
Self-Control by Regulating Emotions
Self-control is that we have to regulate behaviours and our emotions. We disrupt the unwanted or disruptive emotions, and we have to evaluate ourselves and assess are we people who are impulsive. In other words, we think before we act. If we are heedless of this and we will do things without thinking. Generally, this happens when we are most relaxed with certain people like our families, sisters as we are most unguarded at those times because we are not unguarded when its external people
How do we regulate emotions?
We can regulate the emotions by changing our behaviour from just acting and speaking without realisation, and this maybe where your child has done something wrong, or your husband has come home and he may have had a hard days work and is quiet and the wife comment on him by saying 'why are you in a mood?' We have to regulate our behaviour because we do not know what their situation was.
So we should :
• Learn to pause - think before we speak and act. Think things through and have a plan if the subject is controversial. We cannot justify our behaviour by saying that this is how I am because we must be how Allah سبحانه وتعالى wants us to be. Perhaps we can delay and speak about the issue the next day, and we may get a better result from that.
Children and self control
Children struggle with these behaviour and we need to start training the children because lack of this self regulation can cause problems.
A child that has habit of yelling and screaming will not be popular when they grow up and we have to train them. Research has shown that these children will be the children that face issues in school.
We must give children time otherwise a neglected child will have an issue and when a child that doesn’t feel safe and secure will develop insecurity later in life. We must help the children to overcome the issue as this leads into adulthood, and they cant control behaviour.
Children should be supported in the any problems that they may be encountering by helping them to cope and learn strategies to deal with the issue. If they do not get this help, as they get older they may become depressed and they may not be able to deal with their issues . It then leads to adults that cannot control their behaviour and they then have families and they can cause harm and can lead to others things including physical abuse which is not allowed.
We hear so many cases where children may be involved in substance abuse and alcohol. This has become common and is also happening in the Muslim community. The question can be asked why do children resort to this behaviour? It is because they want to forget about the problems that they are facing.
If the home environment is not regulated and the children do not feel safe, and parents are arguing in front of the children, it has an effect on the children, and as they get older, they continue to see the arguments and they want to leave that environment. They find other avenues to rid these behaviours and they end up with the wrong company and friends or relationships, and if such relationships are not successful it can further become complicated as children maybe involved. So it complicates children’s lives and that life starts at the lap of the mother.
Effective Strategies for effective behaviour :-
1, Mindfulness
We must have mindfulness and this is opposite to heedlessness.
Allah سبحانه وتعالى mentions in the Quran that every single word that is uttered there is a scribe and it is being written.
So mindfulness is the awareness that comes inside us from paying attention on the purpose in that moment and doing it without being judgemental, and this may not be easy, especially if we are angry. Often if we say what we want to say without thinking, then we regret what we have said. So we need to control our behaviour, and this does not mean that we start preparing a counterattack in the mind because of what is being said to us. We do not know what is in the heart of others. The other person may be behaving in such a way due to reasons that are unknown to us.
Mindfulness can be attained by:
Engaging yourself in taking deep breaths and Shukr gratefulness. If this person was not here how would we feel, think of the positive in the person.
So Mindfulness gives us that space to think before we act or speak. There may be many times that we try and we fail, but the key thing is keep trying.
It maybe that our reaction to a situation the first time maybe of haste but then we control ourselves for 2 seconds in the next situation, and the key is that we must keep trying.
Research shows those that that are mindful people it improves the attention span, for example, people may have short attention spans but those that try becoming mindful this span can increase. By improving our attention span then the negative emotions can be recognised and they can be sifted . The mind is always thinking and a point will come that we will think why did we have that thought and we will recognise that it was from shaitan and we will seek refuge in Allah سبحانه وتعالى by saying There is no power or might except with Allah سبحانه وتعالى .
Another strategy to improve the regulation of our behaviour is change in our thought patterns. These are do-able things. And the reason why we don’t have mindfulness is because of the distractions and particularly the phone . The phone has destroyed our concentration. We have to have a plan to put away the phone and this causes arguments between people.
Thought pattern results in an opinion that a person has made of someone else. This opinion is based on our interpretations of the other person, and therefore not everyone thinks the same and we have to retrain our mind and change negative thought to positive thought. It will be regarded as an assumption until a person speaks or says something ,our thought of the other person will be an assumption.
We need to ask ourselves can we pass the litmus test? If we are asked on the Day of judgement why did we think in a manner and then we say it is because of x reason, can we provide the proof for it.
Shaitan is our enemy and we should not make assumptions on another’s behaviour.
The second thing that we need to have for effective behaviour is:
2, TWO M’s: Motivation and Monitoring
According to one psychologist he says that will power is not the only thing to achieve our goal. If you are working towards a goal there are 3 components that should be there:
1, A clear goal and motivation to change.
We need to have a goal and the motivation to change. We should understand what is my goal, and the area of improvement and make a note of these goals.
We also need to have motivation, and we should sit with passionate people as that will have an effect on us. By sitting with those people that may not want to do a lot will also have an effect on us.
We should have a realistic goal, and achieve the goal in small steps and not just become passionate for one day. So we need to take small steps eg try by saying that I am not going to speak for 3 seconds at least this is a start.
We are most likely to achieve a goal that is specific and we have the motivation and we are around the people that motivate us and then keep consistent on that one goal and then move on when you have mastered it.
2, Track your actions
Everyday track your actions of what you did, even if it means sitting for a few minutes at the end of the day. We should make dua every day and beg for Allah سبحانه وتعالى help.
3, Willpower
Have Will power which comes with recitation of Quran and Imaan.
4, Plan ahead with hikmah
Plan ahead with wisdom. If you know that you are going to be drawn into something against shariah eg plan what are you going to do if the people start backbiting? So plan your actions but use wisdom. Move away from that gathering where backbiting is going on. We should not become like sheep who jump on that bandwagon and follow everyone else. Be that person who stands strong and is acting on the right and everyone that follows you, you will get the reward of that, otherwise, situations will carry on.
Its very important for students of knowledge, to act on what is right and we must not shop for fatwas for answers to questions so that we get the answer we want.
5, Practise using self-control
Practise self-control as it improves will power/ for example, when you start going to for a walk, the first time you may walk around half of the park, you may be out of breath, and the second time you go around three-quarters and then the whole park, and then a time comes you can walk around the park twice.
So when we practice self-control, it might be that we get out of breath the first time, but it becomes easier the more we practice it.
6, Focus on one goal at a time
We must focus on one goal at a time until we become consistent in that.
7, Meditation- muraqaba
Meditation helps control that self-control muscle and it's hard to do when we are angry. It's a powerful zikr, and we should sit quietly and spend at least ten minutes at the end of the day or in the morning, and focus on our spiritual heart and imagine the heart is doing the zikr of Allah سبحانه وتعالى . It may be hard at first, and eventually it gives that inner strength.
Benefits of Self-control
By mastering self control a person's will look at things in a different way and a person decision making will be better. It will allow us to cut out bad habits and it will increase patience levels and we have that consistency. And it is important to have the endurance and to restraint ourself to get that success.
Self control improves our focus and our productivity and as we are not wasting our energies on useless things.
The people that have the self-control, meaning that they can control themselves are the people that are really rich. Our children are our future, and we need to teach the children self-control. If they are adults we can train them by using wisdom, and we should use these ideas and practices without using the actual words.
People of self control are the ones that have peace in their homes as they have learnt to ignore. If we train our children and hopefully, they are not into the issues that others are into.
May Allah سبحانه وتعالى allow us to have become people with self-control. Ameen
